Beloved

09.21.02

Until today, I was convinced that within my soul,
there was both the lovely and the unlovable...

that the lovely smiled continuously, understood always,
provided wisdom often, and sinned little...
and that the unlovable ached horribly,
failed miserably, and sobbed perpetually...

two identities that - working together -
set out to accomplish one goal...
to convince the world that neither existed.

Lovely has no need for the ugliness and disgrace,
that comes from the unlovable...
and the unlovable will stop at nothing,
to destroy all that might bring hope.

What I was given today came from someone,
that neither of these characters know too well...
The Lover...

who said to me..."I love you,"
and I replied..."but you don't really know me,"
"I love you" said the Lover...
but I said..."I've done these terrible things,"

"I love you" He said looking through me...
weeping, I covered my face with my hands - hoping to shield myself,
from His passionate pursuit...
"I love you" stabbed me again...
and I crumbled.

Lovely, with all of its lies,
its false hopes and misplaced trust -
was destroyed...

Unlovable, with its pessimistic perception of truth,
and its endless supply of guilt and shame -
was obliterated by grace...

and as my palms filled with tears...
I felt His arms envelop me...
and for the first time I realized that only two were left...

He was there...
He's here with me now...
He always has been - always will be...
the Lover...

and of course there's me...
no longer hiding...
no longer scared...
His beloved!